Almost A Whacky Festschrift

Lovers of the ridiculous may wish to indulge themselves with a few of the whacky titbits available in today's edition of the Daily Mail. Like canapés, they can be consumed in any order but, taken as they appear on the page, the whackiest items are, for Gruff:

'We are told 'God Save The Queen' is due for a rewrite ...' is a report in which a man in buckled shoes, silk stockings, lace cuffs and a wig, Lord Goldsmith, asserts that the National Anthem (Br*tain's, not England's) should be rewritten so that its words are more 'inclusive'. The irony of a man wearing archaic fancy dress calling for our equally archaic, and now almost redundant, National Anthem to be updated is clearly lost on the 'noble' lord.

'Lesbians' sperm donor forced to pay child support' is a thoroughly modern parable of life in an 'inclusive' Br*tain in which two self-centred women assert their rights to bring up children while depriving them of the traditional male influence of a father, then, having promised the biological father of the children they claimed as theirs that his involvement in the project would be no more than the donation of a little sperm, assert their rights to end the commitment they had previously asserted their rights to make before finally asserting their rights to make the man pay for the support of the children they had asserted they were the rightful parents of. Equality, qua equality?

'Northern Rock owes the taxpayer £30billion but is lavishing pay rises and bonuses on staff' is a report that does no more than confirm the opinions of those who believe that ethical capitalism is nothing more than an oxymoron .

'Disgraced data boss sails into a top Whitehall job' is a report that does no more than confirm the opinions of those who believe that ethical government is nothing more than an oxymoron. What is truly whacky about this report is that Paul Gray is said to be 'leading a project on "developing civil servant skills"'. I kid you not.

'The bear that walked off with the Turner Prize' is a report that does no more than confirm the opinions of those who believe that, where arts funding is concerned, bullshit really does 'baffle brains'.

'Legal aid for the rich: Children of foreign millionaire given £30,750 for court battle' is a report that does no more than confirm the opinions of those who believe that 'to them that hath shall be given'. This item also shows a man in buckled shoes, silk stockings and a wig. How whacky is that?

'A third of truants are caught with their parents' is a report that does no more than confirm the opinions of those who believe that forty years of increasingly whacky education 'reforms' have produced a generation of parents that has no idea of responsible parenting, making any attempt to inculcate the same with fines and custodial sentences absolutely, positively guaranteed to fail.

Laugh? I wish I could.